The Goal: Destroying your Ballot
When you receive your ballot from the poll-clerk, be careful. Hold the
ballot gingerly between two fingers. If it moves, drop it immediately and
step on it. If its stench bothers you, plug your nose. Examine the ballot.
If you feel overwhelmed by the vast array of choices, then you are not
at a polling station, you are in a supermarket. If the prospect of voting
in this bogus democracy is repulsive, ask for another ballot. You are entitled
to it under the Canada Elections Act. Is the second ballot better? If it
is, you are either on medication or the poll clerk is playing a joke on
you. If it isn't, you have no option but to put the thing out of its misery.
There are many ways to destroy a ballot. You can choose one of many
options. As with voting, it doesn't matter what you choose, the end result
is the same -- your ballot gets destroyed. The choice is superficial, but
you may as well choose a method which best suits your style and wardrobe.
Here are some suggestions:
1) Rip it
2) Burn it
3) Use it as toilet paper
4) Roll it into a huge joint and smoke it
5) Eat it
6) Fold it into a crane
7) Fold it into a paper airplane and fly it out the window
8) Shove it up your nose
9) Dissolve it in acid
10) Make confetti out of it
11) Fold it into a dish (use it for peanuts, soy nuts, or as an ashtray)
Our favorite method: EATING YOUR BALLOT
The trick to cooking with ballots is to use lots of strong spices.
This will mask the bitter taste of big business and money. As always when
handling ballots, make sure to wash your hands thoroughly with soap and
hot water. If you are concerned about coming into contact with the germs
of corporate power, you might want to wear latex gloves.
Note: The Surgeon General warns that ballots are toxic and
can be hazardous to your health. Eating one every four years probably won't
kill you, but putting one in the ballot box probably will.
Our favorite Recipe: Jonnie's Ballot Burger with a side order of
Literature de Campaign.
If the ballot is not yet dead, kill it. This can best be accomplished
by hitting it repeatedly with a baseball bat or large stick.
Deep-fry the ballot for one hour in a light cooking oil. This will ensure
that all bacteria is killed. Add plenty of garlic and hot peppers, then
the onions and cook under low heat for five minutes salting lightly.
Next add mushrooms and fresh ground pepper and cook for two more minutes.
Throw the mixture onto a bun, and garnish with lettuce, tomatoes and
Slather the bun with plenty of ketchup, Dijon mustard and secret sauce.
If secret sauce is not available at your local supermarket, you can find
it in any government department or ministry.
Marinade the campaign literature in olive oil, basil, tarragon, salt,
pepper and garlic. Apply the marinade liberally...
The campaign literature should be grilled for at least five hours to
ensure that it is edible. Even then, you probably won't be able to swallow
it, but it is better to swallow it than actually read it.
If you smell burning, don't worry. This is what you are aiming for.
After your meal, be sure to gargle. The aftertaste from your meal can
be fatal. Some people gargle with salt water, but battery acid does a more
Other Great Recipes
Our chefs are currently experimenting with a number of delicious recipes,
to help make your ballot a taste sensation. If you have any suggestions,
feel free to send them in.
Ballot Tar Tar
While most people consider raw ballot to be downright vile,
some people are drawn to the danger inherent in eating raw
corruption. Raw ballot has been known to cause severe abdominal
bleeding, and even death, so be careful. Make sure you don't
eat a spoiled ballot. Contact a physician if you experience any
of the following symptoms: throat irritation, blood in your urine, bulging
eyeballs, excessive flatulence, the shakes, convulsions or seizures.
The key to a delicious Ballot Fondue is to get your hands on
the most pungent, thick cheese possible. We at the Edible Ballot Society
have found from experience that the best cheese available can be found in
the campaign materials of any major political party.
Select your cheese carefully. High quality cheese can be recognized by
some of the following traits:
- Images of elite, corporate-donation taking politicians holding
children, playing with pets, or listening intently to someone
expressing their opinion on the doorstep
- Any reference to "strengthening families"
- Checkmarks beside a list of accomplishments that you don't seem to
remember ever hearing about
- Happy constituents pounding campaign signs into their lawn
- Inordinate emphasis on tax cuts
- A politician chopping wood
- 1 clove garlic, halved (just like funding to social programs)
- 185ml (6 fl oz / 3/4 cup) soy milk
- 375g (12 oz / 3 cups) grated cheesy campaign literature (see above)
- 6 teaspoons plain flour (make sure it's white, just like all the party
- 1 teaspoon prepared mustard
- 2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
- 2 teaspoons horseradish relish (if you have no horseradish, substitute an
equal amount of horseshit from any campaign speech)
- 1 ballot, ripped into 2 cm by 2 cm squares
Rub the inside of the fondue pot with the cut clove of garlic
Add soy milk and heat until bubbling
Toss cheesy campaign literature in white flour, then add to the pot and
stir all the time over a low heat until it is melted and the mixture is
thick and smooth (it should have the consistency of your favourite
Stir in mustard, Worcestershire sauce and horseradish relish (or
Dip ballot squares and enjoy!
(Serves 26 million, but it looks like most are alienated from the dish
and will stay home and make their own dinner)
Shake and Bake Politician Style
(Serves entire country)
Take several hundred hopeful politicians (be sure that all political
ideologies are left out and only corporate pandering abilities remain).
Toss into one large election and shake for two months until the populace is
fed up with their posturing and half-truths.
When the politicians are sufficiently covered in crap (from the inevitable
flinging at each other) remove from populace and place on election ballot.
Have the populace select roughly one third from said ballot and throw them
into heated debate.
When the stench from all the crap flung in the heated debate finally
permeates the whole country you will know the politicians are done.
You can then remove the politicians and cast away the least pungent and keep
Repeat every four years.
Rachel's Ballot Smoothie
- For this recipe, you really need a long extension chord for the blender
(but try not to trip any voters). In Edmonton, people will be using a bike
powered blender. Like all the best smoothies, use your imagination. You just
need juice, icecream, fruit and maybe some sugar. Make it as funtastic as you like, but don't forget to add that ballot. The really fun part is
watching your ballot being shredded into a fine pulp. Refreshing!
You figure it out.